How is domestication reinforced through our relationships?

We’ve explored how the matrix moves in our culture in my article What Is Domestication?. Now let’s focus how we reinforce the matrix and domestication from the inside-out.

This is the medicine we need — as bitter as it might taste at times — to empower and love ourselves and one another.

Sometimes the chains that bind us with patterns of domestication are invisible, even to ourselves. If you’re interested in becoming familiar with how domestication unsuspectingly plays out in your daily life, there are three areas to begin your investigation:

Personal and self-reinforced domestication
Interpersonal and relationship domestication
Systemic and power-over domestication

Personal and self-reinforced domestication

Each time we make another person’s perception of us more important than our own inner guidance and authority, we reinforce domestication. Any voices that suggests our needs are a burden, our desires are irrelevant, or our dreams are too big are also suspect.

These voices often take root in early childhood. During these developmental phases, we’re often unintentionally induced into domestication. As children, if our needs are consistently neglected, not attuned to, or criticized, then the fear and hurt related to these “misses” become woven into the fabric of our belief system and our sense of self-worth.

For example, what did you learn early in life about having needs and being vulnerable? If your caretakers responded to you with frustration, impatience, or irritation when you expressed your needs and vulnerability, then you may have concluded, over time and after enough repeated experiences, that your needs are a burden and your vulnerability is a threat.

As a result, you likely became skillful at suppressing your needs and authentic emotions. Maybe you learned to pretend you were fine when actually you were trembling with fear, overwhelm, and loneliness inside. Over time, this external experience will translate into an internalized voice of self-hatred or aggression when you felt needy or afraid.

As an adult, you may unconsciously reinforce this experience from early life with a conditioned voice that says “It’s weak to need others — don’t let them see you’re scared or you’ll be hurt.” As a result, when you feel overwhelmed and vulnerable, you may choose to withdraw from others or find cause to blame them to avoid a potential threat of being shunned, humiliated, or attacked like you felt as a child.

To explore more on this topic, visit How Is Our Attachment Template Formed? and Your Relationship Patterns Are a Pathway to Heal & Integrate.

When we’re unaware of the hot spots associated with our core wounds, it’s likely that we will unknowingly slip into patterns of domestication.

When a threat arises in our system, we’re automatically wired to protect ourselves. Learn more about our primal wiring here.

Fears of rejection or unworthiness can inadvertently create relational domestication. For example, when a person fears abandonment but is unable to embrace their vulnerability, it’s common to redistribute their pain onto another person through control, criticism, and guilt trips.

On the other hand, when we own our direct experience and vulnerable triggers, without exploding through blame or collapsing into shame, then, trust and intimacy deepen. This is how we meet as equals, rather than operate blindly through painful dynamics of power-over and power-under.

I’ve been blown away by the people in my life who show up with a shared intention to explore our triggers together while focusing on staying connected. We make room for the discomforts of conflict and differences. We listen to each other’s hurts without defending or telling one another we shouldn’t feel the way we feel. This type of connection has deepened safety and trust in ways I never dreamed possible.

Over the years, I’ve embarked upon a humbling journey to interrupt my primal and defensive impulse of blaming others when I didn’t feel safe or wasn’t getting what I needed in the relationship. I was blind to how my fear of losing control, safety, or connection fueled my impulses to blame someone for not being who I wanted them to be for ME.

Over time, I realized that in order to live as Love, I would have to dismantle all my tendencies to offload my discomfort onto others by withdrawing, manipulating, and blaming.

This has taught me that if I’m allowing someone to be who they are, that means I must also embrace the truth that all relationships are not intended to last forever.

Blaming someone for not being who we want them to be is a slippery slope, because some people aren’t ready, resourced, or able to engage in the process of self-growth and change. If we can’t find common ground in the areas that matter the most, then it’s more loving to let go. But, more commonly, since it’s hard to let go when we’re attached, we try to manipulate through guilt trips and other forms of control. This type of relationship is based more on fear and scarcity than love and acceptance.

If I could go back in time to my younger self I would tell her:

“If you want to love freely, then practice accepting people as they are, which means you'll need to meet your heartbreak and disappointment instead of trying to change them or yourself. If they’re going to change, it has to come from within them, not through your efforts. It’s okay to accept dealbreakers — you won’t be alone forever.”

What are common contributing factors that reinforce relationship domestication?

Molding another to fit our personal needs and agendas
Expecting our partner to meet all our needs
Shutting down when differences arise
A lack of ownership in managing our own disappointments
Engaging in the trap of blame and shame

1. Molding another to fit our personal needs and agendas

Have you ever been told “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “What you’re feeling is wrong”?

What does that mean? We can’t actually help what we feel; it just happens.

These statements are a stand-in for some version of “I can’t handle your feelings, and don’t know what to do about it, so I’m going to shut you down.” In other words, “I don’t know how to handle my own feelings, so I need you to stop activating them.”

While this is often an innocent and unconscious defensive posture, it’s painful for everyone involved.

No one likes to feel scared, alone, and out of control with their emotions and needs. The impulse to mold or control another person is driven by fears of abandonment, anxiety, vulnerability, and unworthiness. It distorts our capacity to meet and love people as they are, rather than who we want or think they should be.

Any time we attempt to pressure another to be who we want them to be in order to mitigate our own anxiety, there is likely some form of domestication playing out.

For more romantic relationship examples on this form of domestication, you can read my article, Three Equalizing Ingredients of Power Dynamics: Self-Awareness, Consent & Boundary-Setting.

How is domestication reinforced in your closest relationships every day?
What beliefs and expectations make it difficult to love people for who they are rather than who you might need them to be?

“Attempting to mold, control, or manipulate another person to fit our personal agenda is a form of domestication.”

2. Expecting our partner to meet all our needs

Hollywood and other cultural messages have taught us that our romantic partner should meet all of our needs, but I don't think it’s true.

When I contemplate the eclectic range of friends and people in my life, I see clearly that having such a diverse group of friends is what allows many parts of me to express and play that wouldn’t otherwise get a full expression with the same person every day.

There are friends that I go on meditation retreats with, and others who are my nature adventurers; friends I know I can call when I’m in a dark space and they won’t try to fix me but rather be with me; friends who I laugh with until my cheeks and belly hurt; friends who will tell me the truth about my blind spots; friends I can bring direct feedback to and they won’t defend and blame but rather listen, own their part and use the experience to build more trust and intimacy.

I don’t expect my best friend to be all things to me, and so how can I do that with the person or people I’m in romantic or sexual relationships with? How is it different?

Esther Perel, author of the book, Mating in Captivity, highlights the complexity for romantic couples seeking to bond and still maintain autonomy and erotic desire for one another. It’s easy to domesticate one another into housemates or co-parents who are bonded by managing the daily responsibilities and stress of supporting a family, home, and career. This process becomes bumpy for couples when they have differing styles and priorities related to bonding, autonomy, intimacy and connecting vulnerably. It’s common to try to change another to fit what makes us feel safe, but this also is a form of domestication.

Do you believe that one person should and could meet all your needs? If so, what kind of pressure does that put on the relationship and on you?
What may you be avoiding feeling, or taking responsibility for, by making someone else the source of your happiness?

3. Shutting down when differences arise

Connection and safety are basic human survival needs. It’s common that when we encounter differences or disappointment that we will adapt in some way. Responses can range across a wide spectrum. At one extreme, we may become aggressive and controlling. Or on the other end, we may abdicate our needs, avoid difficult conversations, and pretend everything is fine as an attempt to keep the peace.

Let’s be honest, everyday life is filled with different needs, rhythms, and values that cause disappointment and conflict in all forms of relationships — colleagues, family, friends, partners, children, clients, and government officials responsible for making choices on behalf of the whole.

It’s inevitable that we’ll experience contrast in all kinds of relationships. No one will see the world the way we do all the time.

How do you manage the triggers that arise when you bump into different views, needs and values?
Do you steamroll your view or needs upon others when there are differences?
Are you direct about your vulnerability related to the differences, or do you express yourself through guilt trips, shame or blame?
Do you acquiesce to other’s needs and opinions to avoid rocking the boat?

4. A lack of ownership in managing our own disappointments

We all make mistakes, mis-read a situation, blame others when we feel hurt, and attack people we love when we feel threatened.

Each one of us has a unique set of strategies designed to manage emotions related to disappointing others and being disappointed.

What do we learn when we avoid disappointment, or blame others for having different needs? Not much. This is why looking more closely at our conditioning in this realm can reveal patterns of domestication.

If we’re not giving our power away by withholding our authenticity to avoid disappointment, then we might seek to obtain power and control to manage or avert disappointment.

Guilt and blame are effective tactics to control another person. They can be expressed as covert and charming, or aggressive and harsh. Either way, they’re attempts to control another to get what we need, driven by a subconscious belief that says “It’s not safe to be disappointed, so I’m going to control you to get what I want”.

Do you fear disappointing another and therefore withhold from asking for what you need and want?
Or do you contort yourself into who a person or system wants you to be?
When you feel disappointed, do you respond with demands, guilt trips, or other tactics that pressure others to change their actions to do what you want?

5. Engaging in the trap of blame and shame

The final common (and highly painful) aspect of domestication involves shaming and blaming each other for our needs and vulnerabilities. We explored the effects shame in my article on the matrix of social and cultural conditioning, so let’s look at blame.

Behind all forms of blame lives disowned vulnerability.

Renounced vulnerability can alchemize into a weapon of blame targeted towards others. We see this in politics and disembodied leadership every day — but it also plays out in our most intimate relationships in subtle ways. Vulnerability is often perceived as a threat to one’s safety, status, connection, freedom, power and value.

What does it mean to move from patterns of blame or shame towards love and allowing in relationship with others or ourselves?

It’s an inside job, but it also requires other brave souls who are willing to cop to their defensive strikes when vulnerability arises.

Instead of feeling your vulnerability, do you blame others for how you feel?
Do you rely upon others, put them on a pedestal, and then get angry when they reveal their humanity or don’t meet your needs?
Do you blame others for their gifts when you feel inadequate?
When you feel vulnerable, and you’re in a safe enough environment, can you take responsibility for your feelings?

“We need each other to heal the painful dynamic of blame and shame.”

3. Systemic and power-over domestication

Let’s now move out of relational domestication, and look at our final form of domestication: systemic domestication.

The power structure that perpetuates the domestication is the paradigm of power-over.

Power-over is a global phenomenon of destructive and un-integrated forms of power. It’s a model of power based on dominance. We can observe it in various aspects of our culture, such as politics, certain religious institutions, global corporations, or other hierarchical structures that seek to create conformity through shame and fear.

How do we recognize power-over?

We recognize power-over through non-consensual domination and control. It’s commonly expressed in systems that seek compliance and dis-empowerment through structures or rules that elicit fear, powerlessness, and shame.

Large pockets of people and systems are enforcing slavery every day. For example, there are groups of people who are deliberately and violently abducting children from their environments and placing them into sex trafficking as slaves for their capital gain. Executives at SeaWorld hire crews of people to remove wild dolphins and Orca calves from their pods in the sea. Then they place them in small aquariums as personal property to exploit for mass entertainment and profit.

These brazen and incomprehensible forms of violence and abuse are intentional. Of course, only to a certain degree — since anyone attempting to enforce these expressions of power-over by controlling others for their personal agendas are likely struggling against their own forms of being domesticated by greed, scarcity, fear, and insecurities that they must be the one on top to feel powerful and safe.

Power-over in the microcosm of our lives

While these cultural examples of power-over constitute one aspect of a global epidemic, this phenomenon expresses through the microcosm of power-over that occurs every day in our relationship to ourselves and others. Power-over happens through non-consensual means. When boundaries are violated, trust and safety are shattered. Sometimes we have to dig deep to see how we’re slipping into power-over against ourselves and with others.

Understanding the foundational beliefs and systems that influence our lives is an important part of investigating our own suffering and lack of freedom. Some systems have been operating for centuries, and unless put under the spotlight, remain unquestioned as the framework through which large populations operate and expect to be treated.

Surprisingly, the paradigm of power-over even operates within spiritual and personal development circles.

Over the years, I’ve participated in a number of trainings, ranging from business coaching and meditation to therapy and energy healing. It’s been surprisingly common to discover teachers using their knowledge and authority to domesticate their students via criticism, blame, and psychological games the promote power dynamics of dependency and the student’s abdication of their inner authority.

Other extreme expressions can be seen when large systems cause substantial harm in the name of capitalism. When fear, greed, and superiority have swallowed the oppressors into blindness, harmful acts become rationalized.

“When human rights and dignity are overpowered to serve economic gain, we’re achingly replicating centuries of violence and oppression.”

An example of power-over domestication in the movie ‘Dark Waters’

Recently I watched the film Dark Waters. It recounts the exposé on the multi-billion dollar organization Dupont, the American chemical company and one of the largest in the world. The film reveals how the organization intentionally concealed it was knowingly poisoning people and the environment while making its hugely profitable chemical coating, Teflon.

Their continual use of PFOA, a dangerous chemical, became the source of countless cases of cancer, degenerative illnesses, birth defects, and deaths of animals and humans. Additionally, PFOA is known as a forever chemical, a man-made artificial substance so powerful that it’s virtually indestructible. It will never naturally break down, and there is no known way to destroy it.

How is it that a chemical this dangerous was not removed immediately from the marketplace? Instead of reporting the known cases of illness to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the general public, Dupont moved full steam ahead. They knowingly packaged and sold poison to the public — sealant for raincoats, military tanks, Teflon cookware, and other household items.

I believe that the people in charge of such corporations are domesticated by greed and have become disembodied from their hearts. They’re suffering from amnesia, unable to remember that we’re all from the same source — which means that when they poison others, they poison themselves.

Of course, in situations like these, some brave leaders attempt to blow the whistle, but are countered by threats their careers, reputation, and even their lives and the safety of the people they love if they talk publicly about what they know.

Revealing a hidden truth can be considered a great threat to those who are at the top of the power-over system.

When the darkness of greed is bank-rolled by the elite, then anyone or anything that poses a threat to their mission will be exterminated in any fashion necessary. In this world, taking lives or falsely destroying reputations is part of doing business. These people are sick. They’re living in the darkness of being disembodied from their true nature, hopelessly attached to their ego and hunger for power.

This is a form of domestication that will take a miracle to shift — maybe a tipping point can change it all?

A changing of the guard: Shifting structures from power-over to power-with

To dismantle domestication, we need the contrasting paradigm of power-WITH.

Power-with is sourced in our integrated power. Integrated power is the fullest expression of our essence — including our heart, intellect, gut feelings, intuition, body sensations, presence, passion, and sense of soulful purpose.

Power-with is a consensual and collaborative form of power. It’s founded upon a commitment to conscious leadership through self-awareness and personal responsibility.

When engaging in power-with, we’re attuned to the way our decisions impact the whole. We listen to a larger field of wisdom to guide our choices.

Signature influences of power-with, reside in the art of love, presence, listening, befriending our shadow, embracing the unknown, accessing the wisdom of our intuition and body, patience, cultivating magic, and seeing beyond illusions — many of which have been forced underground and out of the collective currency of relating to ourselves and one another.

The path to power-with is the strong-hearted courage to own our contribution towards inflaming feelings and impactful outcomes. It also includes a willingness to source a co-creative solution that increases the potential to honor everyone’s needs and boundaries. Mutual ownership of our vulnerabilities and core wounds naturally gives rise to a power-with dynamic and revolutionary solutions.

One of the key distinguishing factors between power-over and power-with dynamics is mutual consent. Consent requires open and transparent conversations about differing needs, visions, preferences and levels of investment. Our inner authority is stabilized when we have the freedom to choose our yes and no, without feeling forced to go against our needs and desires. This is accelerated when differences are navigated together rather than unilaterally and swiftly extinguished through power-over tactics.

Power-with is the journey of embodiment. It’s expressed through our capacity to welcome, soothe, and tend to our reactive animal bodies. We can interrupt patterns of shame, blame, projection, and separation. We have the power to illuminate and own our core wounds as the medicine.