Accepting Reality: A Powerful Form of Self-Love
If you’ve had a chance to read my last few newsletters, you’ll know that I’ve been undergoing a complete dissolution of my life.
I left my home without a new home and my romantic partnership (along with our envisioned future together) fell away – all at once.
Yep, in one fell swoop – poof – all the energy, time and love I was devotedly directing towards this particular person and a new and healthy home (I've been recovering from mold and mycotoxin poisoning), blew away in the wind.
All my belongings are in storage and I'm listening for what's next.
I'm unsure of any steps beyond the immediate moment.
It's becoming less about what happens for me externally (and of course, these outward manifestations do matter -- ie. having a home again) but what has my attention the most is what's happening internally.
Right here inside of my heart and mind. Inside of the stories I tell myself about reality because this is actually where my freedom lives.
I’ve been through enough cycles of expansion (death and rebirth) to hold these thresholds as sacred disrupters and gifts.
Unfortunately, more often than not, the clarity of my lessons remained fuzzy until I was on the other side -- which means, before wisdom was revealed. these passages were a walk in the dark surfing through intense emotions and disorientation.
But this time is different, I'm relating to this rug pull in a whole new way than I've been capable of in the past.
This is partially why a mentor of mine suggested that I start writing to you from inside of this dissolution -- rather than once I'm on the other side.
So here goes....
Dissolving into grief -- and stumbling into inner peace
Of course, it's overwhelming to experience everything fall apart at once.
This seems true no matter how awake we are. After all, we are mammals wired to mitigate and attack threats (uncertainty and loss) while ensuring certainty (safety) at all costs.
Even if our need for safety (through maintaining what's familiar) keeps us trapped in a job, relationship, or a life that is deeply unfulfilling.
It's incredible what some of us will endure in order to maintain familiarity -- also known as safety and security.
Now, two months into a deep grieving process, I'm encountering something miraculous -- and from one perspective, quite ordinary.
I am experiencing states of deep inner peace.
There is a soft and secure attachment with myself blossoming and expanding.
An unwavering acceptance, for every aspect of my life – even in the midst of grief, uncertainty about home, the ending of this precious partnership, a yearning for deeper community and the escalating challenges in our world.
Essentially, I am further rooting into a partnership with myself – into a union with life.
Claiming sovereignty over protective narratives
Through each era in which I have previously experienced my life dissolve, there is one essential piece of wisdom that I feel more able to embrace than ever before.
How I hold the narrative about my experience (as well as my emotional process) determines how much I suffer and how quickly I realign with my power and wisdom.
If I believe any of these narratives:
what is wrong with me? Why do I keep repeating this cycle of falling in love with the potential I see in someone else? (ouchy, self-aggression never creates inner harmony)
my partner is wrong for his inability to embrace his feelings or engage directly with his fearful protective habits
the seller of the home we were buying caused this outcome when he pulled out at the 11th hour (after 4 months of negotiation)
if I had tried harder maybe we could have found a way through?
if he had tried harder maybe we could have co-created this life?
You get where I’m going, right?
These streams of thoughts about who is to blame (self or other) are endless and disempowering.
All of those things may be contributors to our parting of ways. Yet, using any of them to place blame will not help me to accept reality and return to the flow of life.
If I feed these thoughts I will give them the power to distract and spiral me through cycles of victimhood, blame, shame and powerlessness.
This is where my inner witness protects me from identifying with any of those blaming narratives. Instead, I see the strategy and game and step back to gain perspective again.
The power of accepting reality - as a form of love
Sometimes people have different needs and visions.
In my case, the misalignment in my former partnership naturally revealed the truth.
My personal devotion toward evolutionary growth, and ever-expanding states of consciousness, is not a shared value for him.
It's hard to create an embodied life (and evolutionary relationship) if we don't line up here.
This means, inevitably, life has returned us into our own boats, back into the river, to paddle our authentic journey.
No one is at fault. Our vision and needs differ -- that's it.
What if it was that simple? No further narrative than this.
I can gratefully say that we parted still loving each other in an unshakable and deep way.
This is what I’m noticing:
We are Loving by letting go (or as Pema Chodron says, “by letting be”)
I’m Loving by accepting reality.
Love still exists between us – it always will.
We have completed our life together.
Once intimate with each other's daily life, our lives are now a mystery to one another.
We are returning to being strangers -- and yet that can never really be the case.
Through many rich years together he has become part of who I am now.
And, all those exiled parts of myself that I rediscovered, through the safety of our lovemaking and deepening trust, have gently been tucked back inside of me.
Our love helped me to call hurt and scared parts of me home. I could not have done that on my own.
He is part of me -- and I him.
From here, there is no loss. And, of course, there is loss on many other levels.
Mostly I wonder, will I have a love like this again? Will I ever laugh that hard and often every day again? Will I experience the type of sexual power that consistently carried us into states of union and oneness?
Letting go means surrendering into the unknown. Life will show me the way.
Trusting a larger mysterious force that guides me through listening to my own heart is how I reclaim my power and rebuild my life.
The power of owning our narratives
I want to return to the key piece of wisdom that I’m drawing from during this cycle of loss. Here it is:
We reclaim our power each time we recognize when our narrative is pulling us away from being present with our emotions.
Any identification with a story of blame, or helplessness, only thwarts our ability to move the disrupted energy through to completion.
Getting lost in our narrative can serve to protect us, yet there is often a cost.
Unless we bravely embrace the raw emotion responsible for driving our stories we will struggle to liberate the energy trying to complete its cycle.
And, more often than not, we will unconsciously pursue a similar experience that repeats the pattern until the energy has some form of resolution and integration.
Expanding our capacity to hold contradictory feelings, needs, emotions and reactive tendencies is one way to expand self-mastery -- and increase states of inner peace amidst chaos and pain.
Taking our seat as the inner witness is a cultivated form of power.
Most of us have been conditioned to overly identify with our story about what happened more than we are encouraged to slow down, turn inward and digest the loss and hurt directly.
It requires great courage to lean into the emotion and personal needs that are present below our narrating forms of protection, justification and blame.
Gaining internal ground amidst chaos and fear
At one point or another, life will toss us curve balls and we will either expand and grow -- or collapse into survival and habitually press start to play the game all over again. Some call this being trapped in groundhog day.
These sacred disrupters are painful -- yes. And, they are a direct line to reclaiming our power and wisdom.
Who do you become as a result of being stripped of who you’ve thought you’ve been -- or how you thought your life should look?
When we’re shedding the skin of our current life, it is not a time to re-scaffold a new one. It’s a time to grieve, feel disoriented and let it all die.
Easier said than done, right? I imagine you know what I’m talking about.
It's a continual choice point.
When life begins to dismantle, before our very eyes, do we remain excessively busy and in a state of survival and self-preservation?
Do we direct all our energy externally in the hopes of being saved by a new partner, home, job, or another convenient distraction and savior?
Or, do we slow down, turn inward, self-reflect and welcome our feelings as a means to ride the wave of transformation and personal growth to the other side?
Can we risk opening into uncertainty?
I mean really rest into pausing in the unknown? To wait and see what our heart reveals for us to do? It's almost impossible if our minds and narratives are still taking center stage.
These moments of choice about where we place our attention become our fulcrum of evolution and power reclamation.
When it comes to reclaiming our power and authority, I believe the fastest track is through identifying and isolating any narrative that fuels suffering and feelings of victimization and powerlessness.
I am devoted to this sacred partnership with myself. The gateway for me is through accessing and resting back into my inner witness.
From my inner witness, I don’t look for who is right or wrong. I look for how to open my heart and surrender to the truth of the situation, rather than my fantasy of how I think things should be.
Yes, I’m human, so it’s inevitable that stories will arise and displace my vulnerability outside of me -- onto someone else or through layers of speculation and meaning-making that take me out of my heart and into my head.
Yet, my witnessing self doesn’t fuel these distractions. I know it's not going to help me to seek validation from others who will see me as a victim (because this is how they see the world).
Nor does it help to turn towards those who I know will bond with me by colluding with a disempowering story.
The truth is that I no longer wish to pilfer away my life force in states of separation and fear, despite how habitual and compelling this way of operating has been!
And, I certainly don't want to build friendships, or serve clients, through an unspoken code of conduct whereby we fuel disempowering narratives as a form of distorted care and bonding -- that becomes a toxic prison cell for everyone.
I have no interest in reinforcing our victimization mindset together. I don't want that for myself, for you or any aspect of the energy we express into the world.
What's next?
As my purpose on earth clarifies, I am undoubtedly clear that I am here to track closely those of you who are consciously engaging in these death cycles.
I'm also passionate about supporting you to access your own innate capacity to embody the inner peace and wisdom that lives within you.
A key practice for liberating ourselves from defensiveness and suffering is to check our narratives and stories. We are the only ones that can keep ourselves imprisoned by our own minds.
While the story today is about Anne-Marie’s evolutionary journey, it’s really about our collective call to come home to ourselves together.
Over the next few months, while I'm deep in the midst of this dissolution, I will be offering spontaneous letters and videos to elaborate upon this process from the front lines.
I'll be sharing about the dissolving process as well as how to build our inner witness so we can maintain our sovereignty amidst the spells of separation, blame and self-doubt.
How are you navigating your own narratives?
Do any of these resonate for you?
you desperately want to leave a job you’ve grown dispassionate for
you feel a loss of purpose
you are in a primary relationship that no longer feels growthful
you are feeling guilt and grief about your parenting struggles
you are navigating a health crisis
you are feeling defeated as a leader with your team
you are at the threshold of burnout
you are enduring an unresolvable relational conflict at home, work or in your community
you are overwhelmed by the direction (politically, culturally, economically, etc) that our world is moving
You don’t have to walk this alone.
The world is here to support our evolution.
Our higher self (God, divine wisdom, Source) is here to usher us through these sacred disruptors. Our inner witness can help us to reclaim the truth of who we are.
This reunion with our divine self will expand our ability to give our gifts to the world.
I am here to walk side-by-side with you. If you have any questions, or personal stories you wish to share, please email me.
If you’re interested in learning more about coaching with me, you are welcome to schedule a discovery call here.
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